How to Forgive

If forgiveness is imperative, then how do we forgive?

THE UPSIDE TO UNFORGIVING

Believe it or not, there is an upside to anger, bitterness and so on.  But having said this, I definately need to explain. 

The reason you (or any human being) are having problems forgiving is because somebody has done you wrong.  The anger or bitterness that you have is a defense mechanism, protecting you from further attack.  Pay attention to this and treasure this part of it.  Those feelings are telling you to get away from a certain person or group.

The problem however, is this.  Our defense mechanism is wacky.  Because of self centeredness, we hold negative feelings toward people or entities that don't deserve it or that haven't lived up to our own personal (and unreasonable) expectations.  We also like to hold on to negative feelings for much longer than we need to.  In fact, some of us hold on to those feelings and never get over them.
BASIC RULES AND DEFINITIONS

1.  Forgiveness means to let go.  When you forgive someone you let go of whatever he/she owes you.
2.  The need to forgive may not be known to you, even if you are very intellegent.  You may be holding a deep grudge that is hidden deeply inside of you.
3.  A lack of forgiveness is usually, but not always, directed toward those who are closest to us.  That means parents, spouse, brothers or sisters, co-workers, and so on.
4.  Forgiveness can also be needed for entities such as the church that hurt you, the company that fired you, the country or political party that betrayed you or that does such evil, and so on.  This could be very hard for someone who is wrapped up in ongoing political feelings and emotions that are focused on some political enemy.
5.  Forgiveness may be needed toward God.  What did God do or not do to you?  For a Christian, this may be the most difficult anger or grudge to admit, to face up to.
6.  The time it takes to forgive is directly related to how deep the hurt is.  If you have been hurt in a small way, then you need very little time to forgive; but if you have been deeply wounded, you may need months if not more to forgive.
7.  Forgiveness does not mean you should allow yourself to stay in a bad relationship. 
8.  Forgiveness does not mean that you should nurse a dependent relationship, where an alcoholic or drug user depends upon you for their bad behavior.
9.  Forgiveness does not mean that you should stay in an abusive relationship.
10.  The lack of forgiveness is a natural reaction to injustice.  Usually, this type of injustice is best defined as "a wrong done to me."

EXCUSES TO KEEP, HIDE OR NURTURE GRUDGES

People typically use excuses to hold on to and to feed grudges.  Here are some of them.
1.  "So and so does not deserve my forgiveness."  This is a cry for justice, the need to make things right.
2.  "I  never hold a grudges."  This is pride covering up for your emotions that do not live up to your standards.  EX:  I am a good person.  It is wrong for a good person not to forgive.  I therefore, forgive.  The problem with this is - there is still unforgiveness going on inside being covered up or denied because of your conviction that it is wrong.  Your emotions are being pushed aside and ignored in order to serve the desire to be a good person.  In reality it is pride.
3.  "It's not fair."  Human beings are hard-wired to demand fairness / justice - especially as it relates to one's self or one's own group.  Our sense of justice can hide, justify and even nurture a grudge. 
4.  "It is not evil, it is my duty to be angry."  Radio show political pundits thrive on this type of hatred and anger.  Some of you are lost and bound up in this.  You justify it as righteous indignation, but it is bitterness and it is eating away at your soul.
5.  "I'm not angry, I'm just frustrated."   This is also pride covering up for emotions that do not live up to your standards.  If you are only frustrated, you don't have to look deeper and discover the truth that you are nursing a grudge.  It is the story you give yourself to feel better about yourself.
6.  "I would never be angry at my parents (my church, my friends, etc.)... they were so good."  This is one set of emotions hiding another set of emotions.  It can also be reason or pride covering emotions.  You can be denying or ignoring negative feelings on the basis of your need to feel like you are a good/godly/righteous/ etc. person.  You may realized that God would never do any evil to you, but your emotions are crying out that He has betrayed you.  You may have reasoned correctly, but your emotions are not following your reasoning.
7.  "There is no reason for me to be angry."  This is the classic case of reason covering up or overriding your emotions. 
8.  "I always forgive people.  I don't have a grudge.  I never get angry."  Again, these are declarations of pride, oftentimes covering real anger, real grudges and real hurt.

REASONS WHY FORGIVENESS IS NECESSARY
My last blog pointed out biblical reasons to forgive... so you can be forgiven.  There are other reasons as well:
1.  Unforgiveness consumes.  With a grudge, you are destroying yourself to get even with somebody else.  It doesn't make sense, but that is how it works. 
2.  Unforgiveness destroys communities. 
3.  Bitterness corrupts the entire person and a million small actions that person does for and toward others.  You may be bitter toward one person, but it is going to affect your mood and your action towards a lot of other people, especially if others remind you (consciously or unconsciously) of the person you do not forgive. 
4.  Bitterness negatively affects your personality.

STEP ONE IN FORGIVENESS

The first step in forgiving is admitting you need to forgive.  It means breaking through all the excuses you have been holding on to and admitting, "I am bitter at ...." 

This admission is difficult at first because you have to break through the pride of thinking that you are above bitterness. 

This admission is difficult because it means breaking away from your sense of justice.  Forgiveness feels like you are letting someone off the hook who does not deserve it. 

This admission is difficult because your own emotions will fight it.

The admission is most difficult for many of you because it is so hard to admit that that you could be angry with God.  "God never does anything wrong," you say.  But in your heart, you are angry at Him because He could have done something to help you in a time of need.  You say to yourself, "God did nothing wrong," and you are right.  But our emotions do not follow ultimate truth.  Our emotions follow self interest.

This admission is difficult because it will tear down the reasons you have built up for... days? months? years?

This admisssion is difficult, but once you have begun to admit that you need to forgive, you will find freedom you have not known since it began (perhaps years ago).  So take a good look and say to yourself and to God, "I have a grudge, I am angry, I have not forgiven."  Admit it and find the first liberating step to freedom, peace, and forgiveness.

ALL THE STEPS TO FREEDOM

These are steps that have helped me through the years.  They are one way that works.  But remember, the more you hurt, the longer it will take to forgive, and the longer it will take to move effectively through this process.  Deep betrayals do not go away overnight.

1.  Step One - Admit you have not forgiven.  This step breaks through the pride, the excuses, the reasons, the protectors that surround unforgiveness.  Part of this admission may be venting in private, before God, letting Him know how you feel. 
2.  Step Two - Admit you need to forgive.  For someone who has been deeply hurt, this is most difficult.  Tell God you know you need to forgive.  Tell Him that you don't want to forgive (you won't shock God, He already knows it - its you who may have had no clue that you didn't want to forgive - I speak from my own personal experience).
3.  Step Three - Say the words, "I forgive."  You probably won't feel it at first, in fact, the words may be incredibly diffictult to say; but say the words anyway.  You may qualify this by telling God, you don't feel it, but you will say it anyway.  Keep this up until the day comes when you will say, "I forgive," and you will know you really are forgiving.

WARNING!

When you finally forgive:
Do not jump back into a bad relationship.
Do not put yourself in a vulnerable situation whereby you will once again be easily targeted for disaster.
Do not automaticly trust the person who hurt you - trust needs to be earned, and no matter how much you may want someone to be honorable, most people do not change their habits, as the proverb says, "a leper cannot change its spots."

Forgive, but in so doing, protect yourself.